Is your relationship strong enough to survive an affair?
Every so often I get a client that
comes to me faced zoosk.com Reviews with the
dilemma of how to deal with and or pick up the pieces after an affair.
I too have been in this predicament
many years ago which resulted in my now chosen profession as a Life Coach.
I remember the pain, the shock, the
disbelief, the betrayal as clearly as if it was yesterday. Something I would
not wish on my worst enemy. We went the counselling route and it was our
counsellor at the time that referred us to Imago Relationship Therapy.
I was amazed at how powerful Imago
was (and still is) however it did not save our relationship. I was so busy
blaming my partner zoosk for having
an affair and his betrayal that I could not look past anything else - it
consumed me to the very core.
In the end I had no choice but to
take a long hard look at how we had got to the point that he had an affair, and
ultimately my contribution that led to the breakdown of our relationship -
after all as the saying goes 'it takes two to tango'. Situations don't just
happen; we co-create them by the level of commitment, effort and contribution
we make each day.
Upon reflection I realised how over
time we had let things slide, we had worked ourselves into a destructive cycle
of blaming, shaming and fault-finding. We had stopped appreciating each other
and were taking each other for granted. Emotions were on high alert and we
would tip toe around each other hoping not to rock the boat yet again but
rather keep the peace for as long as we could. Invariable this was short-lived.
This left us both feeling resentful, hurt and betrayed on various levels with
our emotional needs unmet and no trust.
It was a long journey to finally
let go of the anger and pain. To face myself in the mirror and take
responsibility for being self-absorbed (I was working full-time and studying
for my degree part-time) and not taking my partner and our relationship needs
into account. We swept our issues under the carpet in the hope they would go
away when all it did was manifest into larger issues and longer periods of
fighting, avoiding or bouts of silent treatment.
Going through the Imago process
helped me understand how my upbringing had shaped a lot of my outlook on life
and in my mind and how relationships were meant to be. This coupled together
with my own zoosk.com personal experiences and life stage at the
time didn't really leave me with a good foundation to begin with.
Imago changed my life in that it
empowered me to look at my picture of love and relationships, it gave me tools
to create safety and as a result be vulnerable with my feelings and needs. I
was able to communicate more effectively leaving me with a greater
understanding of myself and others through new eyes and a heart filled with
compassion and empathy for each person's individuality and uniqueness.
So how did I get there?
One day at a time. Change is a
process, it doesn't happen overnight. I had to learn to be honest with myself
first and foremost, before I could be honest with anyone else. I had to learn
to have the courage to express myself, my vulnerability and be willing to sit
with the awkwardness of it all. I had to learn to accept myself for the person
I am flaws and all and show myself some compassion and self-love before I could
express this to others.
I learnt that despite the shaping
of my upbringing and what my perception of love and relationships were, it was
not cast in stone and I could change this at any stage rather than repeat patterns
from the past. That my sense of abandonment and rejection (my mother died when
I was 7 years old) was not a reflection of me as a person. That the shame and
guilt I carried due to a brief encounter of sexual abuse as a child was not a
true reflection of love, relationships or men.
I realised I had a choice, to live
my life according to the past, or shape my future the way I wanted it to be.
It's been a wonderful journey and I am learning each day, not only about myself
but about others too.
Today I am blessed to be in a
relationship that is solid, supportive and a partner that is willing to grow
and evolve together for the benefit of our relationship and each other. Years
ago I would never have thought this possible, but it is, and I am proof of that.
Comments
Post a Comment